Shouldn’t Have Done That

Found a way to import my old xanga posts. Currently going through and reading them quickly, shaking my head at myself, and then just as quickly deleting them. Here, however, are some gems:

5 April 2004:

[my first post]

Pet peeve: when people say drawling for drawing, acrosst for across, warsh for wash

10 April 2004:

Pet peeve: An answer of “I don’t know” to an obviously answered question.

11  April 2004:

Today was actually alright… I got a few levels farther on Need for Speed, I’m drivin the Peugeot or whatever, the shitty little car. It’s got awesome handling though.

Top Gear lover in the making.

14 April 2004:

Pet peeve: When I ponder worthless ideas(dreams/fantasies).

3 May 2004:

It’s a beautiful Monday, little chilly, little windy. It smells like apples and paint in my house, and boy am I high!

7 May 2004:

Pet peeves: people that don’t wave when you wave to them, analog roam and digital roam, area codes, and highway exits.

10 May 2004:

And now mom’s pissed at me because she’s pissed at Conor.

Pet peeve: my brother

15 May 2004:

Pet peeve: when people don’t tell other people stuff and they find out the hard way. Bitches.

18 May 2004:

“Hey, it’s Kevin ‘Got Caught Making Out In The Music Hall’ Kilpatrick.” Kevin replies: Hey that’s not funny, shut up.

“Hey, it’s Chad ‘My Cousin ‘Got Caught Making Out In The Music Hall’ Kilpatrick.” Chad replies: With who, Stephanie? It could have been you Nina.

Pet peeve: alarm clocks, the bastards.

6 June 2004:

Well, my brother is bugging the hell out of me, and standing very close to my radio.

9 June 2004:

Well, I haven’t posted in a while, I don’t think, and I probably won’t until I feel like it again. Did I even say anything about the 3rd HP yet? Probably not. But damn that was a good movie. ok Hermione is so lucky to hang out with Harry and Ron all the time. Harry is getting cuter. Ron needs to just freakin’ kiss Her..(let’s just keep that at as Hermione’s abbr.) New Dumbledore is dumb. haha nice. Um… I like Snape still – I’ve always liked him though, even though he’s such a shit. lol Well.. I don’t know.. Alan Rickman.. very.. sexy.. in a older British sort of way. I like Sirius Black too.. yes.. like that.. oo Gary Oldman… ooo yes sexy.

It’s always been those older British/English gentleman.

Hmm this post is dumb.

20 June 2004:

Well, seeing as no one’s really posted since a couple weeks ago.. meaning we all have better things to do than sit in front of a computer all day, CONGRATULATIONS. Myself included, I’ve found more important things to do. Like Drivers Ed, vball, writing, reading, swimming, etc. Shit like that.

Wait until tumblr, kid.

14 July 2004:

I feel like I have no privacy at the moment and certain inevitable things are making me depressy.

14 August 2004:

[We were getting DSL, so I had to come up with an email handle. My ideas included:]

147cutcoknives

suitedreams

dryersheets

waiting4myQ (mom’s idea)

Goddamnit, mom’s idea was clever.

7 October 2004:

In math I was spacing out as usual when all of a sudden I hear the intercom tone and “Ms Friis?” I say, yes? without even missing a beat. I was the first one to respond to it. Some people start laughing and I’m like, huh? and Mr Meyer’s like, no, she’s over in room 202. Then he’s like, you can’t answer to that, they meant Mrs Friesz, and I’m like, I know, excuse me for having a similar last name.

#Friisproblems

30 October 2004:

[Just got my driver’s license]

Driving myself around: what can I say, it’s an amazing experience that I hope to continue for the rest of my life.

xcountry driving is definitely my sport. or xstate, where-ever I’m headed.

1 November 2004:

So today I came home from school, all of a sudden the lights shut off. Power outtage. I laid there listening to music and I almost fell asleep. I thought maybe it would prolong my life for just a little bit longer, it was so.. peaceful.. so nice..

24 November 2004:

[Nothing worth posting besides the fact that I actually used ‘fathom’ as a unit of measurement. Proud of myself.]

28 November 2004:

suitedreams16: hi
him: hey
me: you comin to watch a movie later?
him: no
me: oh, is there a problem?
him: yeah, I guess the problem is is that we are not very much a like
me: like?
him: like the fact that you seem to be more care free about shit
me: oookay, well, I do care about a lot of things like school, my family, my friends, etc…
him: well then how come you are always disrespecting your dad and thinking its cool to drink alchohol and shit like that
me: I’m not always disrespecting him and I am not always drinking, so..
him: well either way i just dont think we are very compatible and would be better off as friends
me: okay
him: i dont have a problem with you as a person, I just feel that we have different aspects on life
me: fair enough. hope I haven’t done anything wrong, I guess
him: you havent done anything wrong its just that i have different views than you so that is just how life works sometimes
him: i dont know i maybe if my personality was more like andrew’s it would have worked out, but everyone knows that i am like the most conservative person anywhere so it would probably be a tough match

Well, that was awkward for all parties involved.

29 November 2004:

For the love of God. It’s snowing. Snowing. If you can consider it so. It’s just enough to piss me off. It’s gotta be like, altometer width and height. I tell you, that is not much. Like I said, just enough to piss me off. Anywhere from an altometer to 4 inches will piss me off. It’s got to be enough, it’s got to stick, it’s got to be ice. Like I said, I want a freak snow storm/ice storm. Damn the “meteorologists” at channels 3, 6, and 7. They should resign. It’s not rocket science, look out the window, what’s it look like it’s gonna do?

Altometer: I don’t think it means what you think it means. Also, calm the fuck down.

5 December 2004:

We parked in the field and slowly slipped into tipsy world lol Duster just sait ther and laught mostly because we were sayin a while bucnh of stupid shit. see I can’t even tiype righa and I’m not gonna correct myself just to see how much fmore fucked up thins are. shit!ooo sjust shook my head, wasn’t good. so then after they’re gona I’m like, dude Marne have you gont anything else? and she’s like well we got beer… and I’m like ew but ok. so we go back over to her house and I go in the back door and then go downstiars, use the userestruom and then grab a beer from the fridge. so yeah I slip down the godamn him b Imeant hill bcak there, and i get back in the car and so we fderive back over to where we were and we open the beer.

was the tathat the best secntece i’ve typed so far? holy shit. phone rigns. ok it awas mike. i relazing that i can talk better than i can type so far.. shit firstclass is makin nowse.. noise at me. hold

ok cool. so anyway, this typing thing aint for me tonight obviously. wow I got though a ho.. nevermind. lol damn. and I’m listengin to dashboard confusessional. grr and talking to drw. i did the grr for spelling err and drew was the drw back there.. laternic I meant to put latterness or laterness sorry for you guys readin this shit olol

I remember my first tequila.

15 December 2004:

Well, tomorrow we leave for Phoenix. Thank God. I’m ready to get the hell out of here. I can get away from everyone and everyone’s issues. I think psychologically it would be getting away from me and all of my issues. Yes, I’m analyzing myself in a psychological manner.. It makes me sad though sometimes because then I realize my own faults are those that I’ve noticed in others maybe.
Anyway, I will miss everyone and their issues; including me and mine.

19 January 2005:

Here’s my question of the late afternoon:

Why is “Good evening” a greeting, but “Good night” is a closing?

24 January 2005:

I really like this saying because I really believe in it.

“IT IS THIS WAY WITH EACH OF US
WE ALL NEED TO BE HELD, AT LEAST TWICE
ONCE UPON THE DAY THAT WE ARE BORN
AND ONCE MORE WHEN WE LEAVE THIS LIFE”

I think we need to be held as we’re born because it’s immediate comfort like everything will be ok as long as we live. No matter what happens to us, we will be okay.

Then I think we need to be held as we’re leaving as reassurance that we are okay and that we will continue to be okay for the rest of, whatever, eternity.

It can’t just be any held, though, it has to be love. Right when we’re born, and cleaned up, the nurse hands us to our mothers. Our mothers or fathers. But mostly our mothers. Our moms hold us and look at us and cry, and say, “I’m your momma, I love you” and even if we can’t understand her or even comprehend, somehow, we know, and we always will.

Maybe it has to be something like our mother’s love that holds us as we leave. But it’s not meant to be our mother’s love in person, maybe it’ll be our child’s love for us when we leave. and we’re supposed to hold our mothers when they leave as reassurance that they did okay and we love them, too.

When people die in the arms of a loved one, they’re okay, they’re almost happy, at least that they’re there with them for their last moments, and they know they’re okay and they’ll be okay.

I want that. That love, and that hold.

Unexpected deepness in early 2005.

5 March 2005:

So it’s 10. I think I’ll watch Much Ado, well, maybe not. I don’t feel like it all of a sudden. It’s been Too Much Ado lately. I think I’ll watch something else on the telly. I love British people.

On the right track.

13 March 2005:

God, grant me some mercy, for I need something to hold on to, something concrete.

I can’t imagine that’d be comfortable at all.

27 March 2005:

[I was constantly getting kicked off of school email]

Well. I am kicked off firstclass for some fucking reason. Probably for cussing which I rarely do anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I mean on email. I rarely say fuck though, and I probably did recently and that’s probably what nabbed me. I need to go down to the computer center tomorrow sometime and try to redeem myself. Fucking goddamn sons of bitches.

rarely

12 April 2005:

I swear to God it’s so cold in my room it’s like, even sex can’t warm you up now.

Like I’d fucking know in 2005.

When I have something good going on or something good potentially happening, I think on it and I mean I think on it a lot. I’ll ponder the idea, I’ll switch angles, I’ll analyze the shit out of it because I am just so overjoyed that it is, or could be, happening. right? I’m sure other people do it, too. But it just seems like it’s me when I do that and then the thing doesn’t… doesn’t happen. It’s happened too many times to me before. I am crushed each and every single time. You’d think I’d get used to it. Well I don’t. I still get crushed every time. Lord knows.

Even though the psychological emotional Nina Nina is going to say, ah.. why doesn’t he talk to me about it? I’ll help. What am I, attracted to wounded animals or something?

Ugh.

One break.

One.

Just one.

It’s really not that hard.

“Just use the Easy button!”

I love how I just hit a speedbump too fast in the middle of this revelation I’m having.

I want to cry, but there’s nothing to cry over.

I’m listening to my Windows Media Player in order of alphabetic songs if anyone cares. So yeah. I’m on ‘I’ because I didn’t start like, at the beginning. It was just If I Could by Regina Belle, and now it’s If You Can’t Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed by Dashboard Confessional.

Too much capitalization in that paragraph. Makes me itchy.

19 April 2005:

B2: missed english since we were at that stupid poetry thing. I made a poem on a cookie sheet with magnetic words, wanna hear? Sure ya do.

“Remember with raw, naughty joy        & drench thy maiden in milky romantic, happy desire        beneath some healing sun-ache        produce by night-moment my color wax-secret         I shall find my moon only at love.”

Jesus, that made me blush worse than reading fanfiction.

25 April 2005:

“OMAHA, Neb. – Beatles fans set a new local record Monday morning in Omaha. Tickets for Paul McCartney’s Qwest Center show sold out in 14 minutes — a new venue record. The old record was held by Kenny Chesney. The country star’s tickets sold out in 16 minutes, and prompted organizers to schedule a second Omaha show.”

The tickets started selling at 10am, mom got tickets at 1008am, they sold out at 1014am.

Let me repeat, WE GOT FREAKIN’ TICKETS TO PAUL MCCARTNEY!

Row 50, MAIN FLOOR

Mom called and left me a message at 1009 saying: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We got them.. we got.. tickets to Paul McCartney! Oh Nina we got tickets!

My dad’s waited 40 years – When he was like 20 something, The Beatles were in St. Louis or something, and he figured they’d get closer. They didn’t, then they split up. Now Paul McCartney is in OMAHA. He’ll be flying into Eppley, just a few short miles from our house. He’ll be in a car on J.J. Pershing Drive, which runs by our house. He’ll be in our city.

1 May 2005:

Chewy – “(Chewbacca noise)”

Han Solo – “You said it, Chewy.”

6 May 2005:

Dude, I’m so grossly talented it sickens me, literally. Check this shit out.

This morning I was putting my contacts in, left to right like I read, and I had just picked up my right one to put in. At that moment, my nose wanted to apparently die and a blood drop fell right into my left contact thing. I’m like, WTF! But at least my contacts weren’t in there.

It was skill.

Not to brag or anything.

7 May 2005:

[My humble beginnings in customer service]

Well it was my first day of work today, but it was freakin’ awesome. But, I don’t like being asked questions, like “how much is this mattress?” when the prices are CLEARLY posted right next to them. Use your eyes. Please do not come ask me questions like that.

Another good one: “Yes, how much is this comforter? There’s a price tag on it, but I am not sure of the price.” Well, let’s see, if there’s a price tag on it, and there’s a price on the tag, and you have eyes and a brain that comprehends, then you SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.

Hopefully I can get some more experience with the register. I’ll just still tell people it’s my first day or it’s my second day and that I hadn’t got to use the register yet. Either way I better not get no grief or I’ll add 10000000 dollars to their purchase. “I thought silverware is only 19 cents?” “No, sorry ma’am, you’re an angry, hurried bitch and today happens to be Angry, Hurried Bitch Disppreciation Day so you get $10000000 added to your purchase, CONGRATULATIONS!”

I’ll be teaching a class next week.

31 May 2005:

What a literally pointless circle I may have gotten myself into.

6 June 2005:

Well I’d sure as hell post something if there was sure as hell something going on. But nothing’s going on.

11 June 2005:

I think I am a pirate, like not just any pirate, like captain pirate. Like the one that decides parle’ or whatever.

Yeah, I just download way too much music. Actually not way too much, just loads.

12 June 2005:

I should write a book called Single Since November. It even SOUNDS like a best seller. Ugh.

Life is bullshit sometimes.

Whiner.

28 June 2005:

Well I haven’t written in 4 days. No apparent reason, just.. lack of motivation?

Or lack of occurrences.

My horoscope has been off it’s rocker trying to tell me to forget the past and jump on to what I want right now, the past actions didn’t provide fruit, so I should focus on what I should do right now.

Well that’s pushing me farther and farther in the direction I’m going, but the reactions I’m getting or not getting are the low branches I keep running into, seeing them only as I turn around and go, “well, EXCUSE ME, bitch.”

My analogies and metaphors are so pathetic sometimes.

I try to make them poetic enough for you and me.

So I was sitting yesterday, spending more countless minutes on my window seat thinking about nothing in particular, just sitting for no reason. I haven’t the foggiest what urges me to sit there, like I’m going to get some unknown inspiration or something, but nothing yet.

Clearly.

13 July 2005:

I feel like writing Jill a letter. I asked Maren if she had been writing letters and she said no, but she should. And I said, yeah, I write one every once in a while, which is Scottish for I write one almost every 3 days or so. Again, I apologize for spelling abilities.

Scottish? ‘thefuck?

17 August 2005:

Ok so I was going to lay out with Maren today before work but it’s overcast. There are too many actors, badoom chhh..

Took me forever; goddamn, I’m clever.

20 October 2005:

This day, what a goddamn roller coaster. Actually it’s like the Mamba. If anyone’s ridden that beast, then you will know.

It was like, it started out kinda stupid, boring – going up that long ass hill looking out over everything you’re about to plummit towards.

Physics was kind of a rush of fun for a while there, during the lab. You get to the top, you’re like, shit, remember to scream! Then you’re on your way.

After we had pretty much finished the labs and whatever I decided to check my email, something I usually never do, and I see an email from Dr Holley answering mine to him about my grade on the last test. Up and down the second hill, you’re flying around the curves, coming onto the optical illusion.

I open the email and oh joy, it tells me that I had ‘the lowest [grade] by far’ and that I should probably come in to go over it with him. We’re to the optical illusion curve, I know it won’t hit my hands, but I gradually pull them in anyway.

After that the day’s pretty much a shithole until I get to band and start to have a little fun with Maren and Mr Baldwin. You’re around again and over the stupid ass bunny hops (smile for the camera) when you’re rounding your last curve.

I come home, renewed from a day of realization, ready to do math. When I open the book, I find it feels as though I haven’t been in class taking notes for the past month or so. It SLAMS on the brakes and you’re THROWN into the little bar in front of you. Forgot to warn the person sitting next to you who did not brace themselves. Oh well. You get back to the station, come to a complete stop and seem to have a sense of “what the hell just happened” with a little grin.

That was either the stupidest metaphoric montage or the most brilliant creative writing you’ve ever seen in your beloved life. Treat me kindly.

26 October 2005:

My dad is such a dork. The song I found on my floor in the morning totally made me smile.

“Well she is just 17, and you know what I mean, and the way she looks is way beyond compare! I couldn’t ask for a better, oooh I’m so glad she’s living here.

Well she looks at me, and I, I can see that she sees a dork that she don’t understand. I’m just a dad who is grateful, oooh cause I’ve got her living here.”

Then he signed it, “Semi-original work, Love dad”

11 November 2005:

My Career Assessment Summary Profile says:

Stated Job Choices – Social studies and music

My Subject Choices – Social studies and music

Future Plans – 4 year college or university

Job Values – creativity, good salary, independence, work with people

Abilities – language, musical, persuasive, social

Interest Scale Scores:

Crafts – 11

Scientific – 2 (go figure)

*The Arts – 23*

*Social – 20*

Business – 14

Office Operations – 13

Career Clusters Suggested by my scores – Social services, Music, Education, Entertainment (if you know what I mean)

Haha the interest scale descriptions are funny.

High scorers on The Arts scale usually:

-prize independence. incredibly accurate

-enjoy creative activities such as music, writing, entertainment, and art. incredibly accurate

-*prefer an unconventional lifestyle.* incredib- wait a second.

-actively seek opportunities for self-expression. well, yes

Typical jobs: musician, writer, artist, fashion designer, actor/actress.

High scorers on the Social scale usually:

-care about the well-being of others. as it happens

-get along well with people. sometimes it happens

-have strong verbal skills. happens

-*like to provide services for others.* I. what.

Typical jobs: counselor, social worker, nurse, recreation leader, teacher.

27 December 2005:

I love fog.

Driving in fog is like someone is holding a white sheet of paper

out a ways in front of you and they keep pulling it back as you get closer.

Or it’s like someone with an eraser went through and just wiped away

certain parts of the world.

And it reminds me of Paint on Windows where you use that little paint can

and you can just fill in large areas with white and grey.

It’s a masterpiece.

Wow, that’s deep.

31 December 2005:

Maybe I’ll watch When Harry Met Sally… because they do New Years stuff in that movie, at least they’ll be doing something.

Super exciting New Years, as per.

3 January 2006:

What’s everyone’s new years resolutions/revolutions?
I didn’t really make any. ‘Cept to care in school more. So that’s about it. And I don’t call them resolutions really, ’cause Lord knows people don’t follow through with that shit, and if they do… well.. good for your initiative.

6 February 2006:

I wish I had something juicy to talk about, so I’ll just keep rambling.
It’s like the 10 minute free-write in English.
When you have nothing to talk about you just keep writing until you have something to talk about.
Sorry for those of you that actually read this, this is one of the more pointless posts I’ve made.

That’s absolutely accurate.

8 February 2006:

[After an exceptionally long play-by-play of an awful day]

I realize to many or a few of you that this seems like a waste of time to put all of this stupid shit on here.
Guys, I’m a happy person, even on my bad days or my low days. But when a happy person hits bottom, they hit harder than chronically sad people. When something negative happens to a sad or depressed person – it’s just one more thing. They’ll probably get more pissed off or sink a little deeper, but where else do they have to go? You can only get so low. A happier person however, is up there – they have room to fall.
I think that sounds really pompous but I don’t give a shit.
Hey I can’t control the way you think.

Interesting theory, and yeah, it does sound a bit pompous.

2 March 2006:

[I wrote a haiku]

Yeah, today is over with.
Now it’s time to dream.
And in my heart it’s summer.

6 March 2006:

“You act the way you want to be so that the way you want to be is how you act.”
(ahem)

19 March 2006:

Hmm.. It’s moments like these that keep me thinking there might be stars to fall out of this sky.

Did I come up with that?

20 March 2006:

It’s a blizzardous night in Omaha and the people are scared..
“The roads are so dangerous! We aren’t prepared!”
Jim Flowers and Bill Randby can’t help, but have no fear,
Because if anyone can turn people to Jesus, it’s this guy right here:

Dr. John J. Mackiel – Superintendent

“Thank you, Dr Mackiel!” the people shout,
“Now I have to go dig my freakin car out!”

Not sure who wrote this, but it’s hilarious.

22 March 2006:

If I downloaded a song for every math or school lecture I heard this year, I would have been the lady from Omaha getting sued by Limewire.

Or whoever.

It’s funny though, cause every time I get lectured, the consequences and/or situations get worse. Like it started with, I’ll take away your computer/internet, now it’s taking away showchoir for next year or my car or something. Then before it was that I’ll have a D at the end of the year in math, now I’m apparently gonna flunk out of school and life. Wtf.

Man, I miss those days.

25 March 2006:

So my parents were gone, Conor was gone.. I was alll alone.. so.. uh.. you know what happened haha

Yeah, I went downstairs.. I looked around.. but I just couldn’t find anything to.. satisfy my desires.. until..

I found a box of old 45s. And you know I listened to a bunch of them.

Oh, and I apologize to those of you who found this as pointless as I did. My sincere sympathy.

5 April 2006:

I worked Saturday after I took the SAT, which took forever and a day. Got to work later than 1, but didn’t care at all. It was a beautiful day so I didn’t really mind working. So I was attending to these two British ladies and I really recognized one of their accents. I asked what part of England they were from and the one is like, “oh my God, it was 100 years ago, you can still hear my accent?” and I was like, well the only reason I noticed was because you sound exactly like Paul McCartney and she goes, “Oh well we’re from the same little town. I had a studio and I worked with the Beatles.” My mouth pretty much dropped open and I was like, OH MY GOD! and she goes, “yeah I worked on Help! and a few other albums. Oh and I met Yoko Ono, she was about this tall.. (4ft) and she and John always dressed as twins” I couldn’t believe it. Oh the people I meet out there.

How I miss the Goodwill.

12 April 2006:

I confuse the hell out of myself lately. If only I had someone to keep me in tune with myself .. or something.

No seriously, like Sunday night of spring break, I spent about 5 hours doing 7 math assignments and a history paper that was all due the next day. When I was finished, I had the utmost feeling of contentment, I couldn’t even put it into words. I procrastinated the ever-loving daylight out of spring break – I could have done it the weekend before I went to U of E, now why would I do that? I brought it with me to U of E and I could have done it the 20 total hours I was in the car there and back, but no of course not, I had to sleep, look out the window and take pictures. I could have done it Wednesday – any of the rest of the time, but of course not. I wait until the last freakin’ possible minute to start and get it done.. and I feel amazing: as good or better than I probably would have felt if I had just done it the night spring break started so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Psychology.

So that’s where it all started.

13 April 2006:

Yeah so since I am obviously a ‘disgrace’ because I don’t ask for help and fail with math, I decided to do a physics lab in my very own home. (no the subject matter doesn’t necessarily match, but you should really rethink arguing my logic right now)


Momentum, PE, and KE lab

Purpose: To find out the momentum, potential energy and kinetic energy of a punch with a momentum stop.

Materials: Wall in closet, a person (me), anger under pressure

Procedures:
1) First find a sure-fire way to get emotions worked up – try an hour long lecture about school, grades, how there’s not much time left until the grades that ‘mean something’ go in, how I must not be panicking about it because I’m not doing much to help it, how I am going to be pulled out of all these things I’m doing because she doesn’t give a shit about band or anything else – the other grades are more important, etc
2) Don’t say too much in defense of anything, especially to assure the extreme build up of contents under pressure
3) Wait until there is a distraction (ie phone ringing) for the inspiration to leave
4) Start getting more worked up, just about to breaking point
5) Go into closet
6) Make a fist and punch the wall with a generous amount of force
7) Repeat step 6 at least 4 times
8) Record data

Data:
Trial                     Initial Response                       Final Outcome

1 and 2                Couldn’t feel it                          Wanted more

3 and 4                Hurt a bit                               3 knuckles sore
Questions:
I decided to hit my wall because I was very frustrated and I have done that before to where it seems to take care of something I’m feeling at the time.
The benefits are slim, besides taking care of that apparent need I have at the time of the feeling.
Afterwards my right bicep, elbow, and knuckles hurt and I can see a bruise or 2 forming – feelings about that are indifferent.

Conclusion: Since I hate physics I did not really answer my purpose, but do you really think I give a flying rat’s ass?

Oh, how sarcastically the mighty fall.

19 May 2006:

I Don’t Know Much

All I ask is that I know what I want.
At least if I knew what I wanted for sure, I could persue it.
But I really don’t.. for the most part.
I mean, in general, no, not even in general do I know.
ugh
I want and don’t want the same exact thing.
What does that leave me to do?
Wait?
Like usual?

God damnit.

I keep telling myself that everything will be easier come summer.
Will it?
I’ll have more time to think, yeah, that’ll be alright.
More time to relax, definitely alright.
No homework or gossip shit, completely alright.

…at least I won’t see most of the people I’ll be thinking about, that should help.

Then hopefully I won’t think about those people… ???

ugh. I’m gonna stop.

Who knew I was such a poet.

30 May 2006:

Speaking of holler, I downloaded some rap today. What the fuck is wrong with me?

14 June 2006:

Sometimes sitting on the front porch at night and not getting cold is what I need to realize the relaxation at hand.

17 June 2006:

now it’s like after midnight, I came home and go tin the pool fr a while. oh but before that Valerie came homme so we went ove to Ponca ans sait on the mokey bars. then we went over and wes tarted talking about whatever. then I came home and got in the poor. m eyes are tired. and I have hiccups. I’m nout rto bursh my teach and to bed with emn. holy shit, I can’t type for shit. I’m relaly not even caring about what I thype uness it’s compltely eunruley and youcan’t read it. or i i can’t readi t.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. work tomororw. I hope I work with good poeple and now any stupid people. maye I work with Shellys. I love sheylly. she’s so cool. like I said m eyes are really tired .Im goling to bed so mayabe I can get up and take  a shoer.

I called like 100 peple tonight and no on andswerd ther [phone. what the thell. it was only like 11 somethign, or even 10 somethig1!. Andrew actualy called mye back but then I canlled him and he didn’t snwer. what the hell. oh wlel rgiht?

shit dude like I sid. bec time.

I remember my first beer.

19 October 2006:

It’s been quite some time, almost a month again. I’m so bad at this anymore, but I’m trying to write more in my written journal. I’m going to see how many I can fill up before I’m out of school haha (including college). Chances are with my issues, I’ll have close to 20. Don’t worry, it’s only at 15.

I am almost 18. Does not feel like it. I don’t have anything planned. I really don’t know if I want anything, cept recognition.

31 January 2007:

Why am I even updating?
RIP Xanga
I uploaded my heart to you
Now you’re kinda dead
Really quite a shame

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