I just applied for a job at the BBC in London. I’ve been more or less avoiding applying for any jobs in the lovely city because I wonder if it’s worth it. The thought of even visiting London again after what happened [see: https://friisey.com/2013/11/21/two-days-in-nowhere/] makes me simultaneously anxious and dispirited. It would be so much simpler if I never wanted to go back. If I didn’t particularly care for the city or her people or the feel of her.
But I do want to go back. I do care for her, deeply.
So, it’s frightening. To think about trying to go back. And to think about not being able. Or at least not without much difficulty. During my job-search, I had only allowed myself to apply for jobs at BBC America (among other television/film production companies here in the States). It would just be easier that way. Then again, nothing worth having is ever easy.
My friend Sophie is actually who told me about the job – social media co-ordinator. I would have seen it on Tumblr eventually, since I follow BBC One, but something makes me wonder if I’d have had the nerve to apply if I’d just seen it in passing. Actually, I’m rather nervous having submitted to the job. And yet… something makes me wonder. Perhaps I was meant to apply today. Whatever the outcome… whatever the outcome.
Clearly, I’m at a loss. I’m currently struggling to hold back tears, to be honest. I don’t know, I don’t know. Things to do with London, as my passions tend to do, make me emotional. So with a prayer, I send my application. With the application, I send my sincerity.
(My heavens, I’m gushy. But, as Mindy Kaling said: “I’m the kind of person who would rather get my hopes up really high and watch them get dashed to pieces than wisely keep my expectations at bay and hope they are exceeded. This quality has made me a needy and theatrical friend, but has given me a spectacularly dramatic emotional life.”)