What Is Life

Almost a month ago, I spent my last night in Omaha.

Most of my things were moved already, and all that remained were a few odds and ends, and my furniture.

The morning of the big move, I was seriously anxious. What was going to go wrong? What was going to get broken? What if this happens? What if that happens? I was also very emotional, even though I tried my hardest not to be.

My parents showed up to say goodbye; mom was a bit weepy and, of course, my dad says the things I always need to hear: I am worthy, I deserve everything I want, I can do anything I want to do, and I am loved. So, there went the tears. My brother showed up a bit later and stayed with me until just before I hit the road. He helped calm me down and let me know on his way out how well the moving truck was being packed. Phew.

The drive up here went by quickly and slowly at the same time. I got caught in five o’clock traffic just two miles from my exit and I was absolutely livid. I just wanted to be there!

That evening, and the week after, are a total blur of unpacking, buying shelving units and other fun IKEA things, building said things, hanging photos, organizing the kitchen, organizing the closets, etc. Oh, and sleeping poorly because one huge window in our bedroom was missing blinds. Waking with the sun every morning, regardless of when I went to sleep the night before, was aggravating as hell. And didn’t really restore me for a new day of work.

By the next week, we were already looking at puppies to adopt. I got Andrew caught up in the search and essentially all of our texts consisted of puppy photos all day. We knew we wanted a bigger dog and we wanted to adopt a rescue. In looking at the adoption process, I got discouraged. An application, an interview, references, a meeting, a home visit?! Jesus Christ, are we adopting a child? Applying for a government job? I had no idea it was so thorough and difficult. I understood and completely support the method behind the madness, but for those of us normal, decent human beings who aren’t going to chain the dog up outside 24/7… ugh.

We ended up applying for a dog that we totally fell in love with and then got denied because another couple was ahead of us in the process. Then we applied for a couple more and the same thing happened. At this point, I’m going, Jesus Christ, I’d almost rather pay double to just get one from a pet shop. But instead, we applied for a few more.

Finally (I say, finally; it was probably like, within a couple days), we got invited to go meet one of the puppies. He was adorable and cuddly and I think Andrew was pretty goddamn set on him. We fell asleep that night discussing ridiculous names, such as: Sterling The University of Nebraska Cornhuskers versus The University of Iowa Hawkeyes… [last name].

We communicated to the foster mom and the lady from the shelter that we indeed wanted this little pup… and then we never heard anything from the shelter.

Then, in true things-happen-for-a-reason fashion, the day I was bitching about the lack of communication and consideration, I got a call from another foster mom about another puppy we’d applied for. Apparently the people who wanted her were having trouble coming up with the adoption fee (red flag, much?), so if we want her, she’s ours.

I think this was a Wednesday. We set up a meeting for Friday, we filmed a home video (in lieu of a home visit) Thursday, we drove an hour to meet her Friday, and that night, we brought her home.

Meet Olive Adventure (and insert heart-eyes emoji):
Olive Adventure

She’s a (now) nine-week old Shepherd Mix. We aren’t sure what she’s mixed with, but we’re pretty sure that it’s a wirehair of some kind. She’s a joy and a laugh and a little shit and a snuggler and a whiner and so sociable and sweet. She’s super outgoing; she’ll go up to anyone and any dog. She wants to play with everyone. She doesn’t like being hot and will whine (kinda like me) and she has recently started fording the stream in the park across the street.
Olive in the stream

Andrew and I are now ‘daddy’ and ‘mommy’ and we’re just totally in love. (Cue: ‘awww’)

We’ve had her a week and a half now and, well, she’s exhausting. ‘Daddy’ is at work five days a week, so ‘mommy’ has to do the most potty breaks and cleaning up accidents and trying to get her to stop biting or chewing on absolutely everything. Not to mention, she’s up with Andrew when he gets up for work (somewhere in the neighborhood of 6am). So yeah, I’m getting a spa afternoon on Thursday lol

Adding to the frustration, I’m getting paranoid about my dwindling savings, so I’ve resumed the job hunt… again. I’m being fairly goddamn picky because I just am, but I want it to be within walking distance (which isn’t a huge ask, seeing as we’re downtown), part-time so I can be home with bb most of the time, and not a receptionist or food service job. Actually, what I’d really like to do is some writing from home. If only I could get myself to finish that ‘novel’ I started.

I’ve also resumed the fitness journey. Buzzfeed posted that circuit workout a couple weeks ago and I’m on the third week today. You’re supposed to up the weight each week; I started with 10lb dumbbells. Because the tiny rec in my building didn’t have 12s, I had to go straight to 15s… And to be consistent, I need to use 20s tonight. I’m a tad nervous I won’t be able to do it all, because I also have to up the reps by two. I don’t know how much physical change I’ll see in two more weeks, and I haven’t weighed myself because fuck the scale, but who knows. I’ll prob just keep going with it and eventually be curling 50s LOL

Anyway, I love Saint Paul. I keep saying it’s like Omaha and London had a baby because it really does feel like home and the city I adore. Our apartment is brilliantly located a block from the train and ten meters from the park, a few blocks from the river and a half-mile from Starbucks (win). There are a bunch of microbreweries and awesome restaurants within walking distance and anything else is on the trainline. I probably came up here with 6100 miles on my car, and I noticed the odometer read 6171 today. So, about seventy miles in almost a month? Not fucking bad.

The only driving I do now is to the chiropractor, which is still only about seven miles away. It’s a different technique than I was getting in Omaha, but apparently, this is the next step in my treatment that makes the most sense. Here’s to hoping I get back to 100% after a couple months of this. I got really emotional when I had my consultation with the new bonebreak. It just dredges up all of the accident memories and memories of all the pain. It’s almost been a year and I’m still dealing with everything. Thank God for Andrew, seriously. What a loving, caring, thoughtful support system I have. I’m embarrassingly lucky to have him. And my family, holy shit.

Tell me, what is my life without your love? Tell me, who am I without you by my side?

Thursday Was A Good Day, but

I woke up to a missed call from MINI – my car was in. Finally. I called the sales manager back and asked if the windows were tinted. He said, no, but would I like them tinted? I said, yes, can they be done by the end of the day? He said he would get them done in a few hours and wouldn’t charge me. Damn right. So I would have to exercise my threadbare patience until 4pm.

I figured I would get up and get ready and run some errands in the meantime. While I was getting ready, my financial advisor on the east coast called me and told me that we shouldn’t have to jump through as many hoops trying to get the house, which is great! But it might still be tough to prove I wouldn’t just run off to Vegas and blow all of my money. Well, whatever, we’ll figure it out. I let my loan officer know and he said he would look into it. I thought, oh my God, this might be easy as hell.

Checked my mail and had finally gotten the settlement check from my insurance company. Went to the bank and made a total dad joke when the teller asked how I wanted my cash back (‘In dollars,’ I said). Took off for Starbucks and the barista told me my hair was fantastic. It was just shaping up to be an awesome day. 

I turned in my rental car, dad met me there and took me to MINI. My car is absolutely beautiful. Next step will be putting on the black bonnet stripes (maybe next week before/after Jo gets here). I’m just so happy to be back in a familiar car. Being able to press the clutch and shift gears; flicking the indicator lever and knowing it’ll blink three times so I can change lanes or merge. And now I’m spoiled with heated seats and a panoramic sunroof. 

Went to a friend’s house, actually one of my English teachers from high school. She was laid up with an injured back, so I helped her read through some papers. It was probably more fun than it should have been, but then again, I’m a total nerd, so it was right up my alley. 

All in all, an awesome day after a couple frustrating weeks.

And then I woke up Friday.

Had a text from my LO saying to call him when I had a chance. I called him from bed and he told me that because I don’t have any income, I’d either need a co-signor on the loan or I’d have to pay cash. Paying cash was out of the question, for a number of reasons, but mainly because the point of a loan was to build equity/credit/have a tax write-off. That left me with finding a co-signor. My mom is about to move into her fiancée’s house this fall, so she is out. My dad’s got his mortgage. My brother is in school, so he doesn’t have an income, either. Any other co-signor would have to be a roommate, which I don’t want. 

I also don’t want to continue on this woe-is-me shit, but it was really, really disappointing. I honestly thought it was going to be a done deal as soon as I did the loan paperwork. I was looking forward to working with my LO, doing the closing, moving stuff into the house, getting new bedroom furniture, I’d already started thinking of things to put on this huge blank wall in the entry way… Yeah. Like usual, I got way too ahead of myself and way too excited, so, like usual, I got way let down. I’ve only myself to blame, I know.

I know that it clearly wasn’t meant to be, otherwise it would be. I’m still fucking sad about it. 

Of course mom was like, you never know, you might get a job offer in the next month and then you’ll be whisked out of Omaha anyway – then having a house or being in the middle of the house process would just be in the way. I’d love to believe that. Obviously, I hope for it. The funny thing was, though, that once I’d found this house and even though I’d be a super rental property even if I did move, I was kind of hoping I’d find something here and I’d be here for a bit longer.

Oh yeah, and then I got turned down for the social media job in town that I’d applied for and, surprise surprise, I’d gotten very excited about. 

Thank God I’d been invited out for wings and drinks. Plenty of both later, I was home looking up rental properties in Omaha. A couple people asked me if I’d be able to get a loan if I got like a part-time barista job at a Starbucks for the sake of having an income. Would they even lend me money on the basis that I’m a part-time barista? I doubt it. 

I’m pretty sure I’ll just end up in either another apartment, or renting my apartment month-to-month so that I don’t have to sign another lease. I’d love (well, I say ‘love’) to move into the apartments down the street. They’re much nicer than my apartments, there’s a nice pool and a 24 hour gym, they allow dogs, etc. I’ve been in one of their apartments and they’re just really beautiful and feel comfortable. As much as it would be a pain in the ass to move, I’m honestly thinking I’d rather live there than here. (As I listen to my loud fucking neighbors). 

Then, of course, I think, oh, but what if I do get a job offer and I move by the end of summer and I’ve moved for no reason when I could have just rented month-to-month and now I’ll just be moving once… 

I don’t know what to do. I’m back to square one. 

At least I’ve got my goddamn car.

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