I’ve been absolutely horrible at updating lately, I know; however, take a look at Dread Central’s write-up of a short film that FFE executively produced: Brentwood Strangler
More to come 😉
I’ve been absolutely horrible at updating lately, I know; however, take a look at Dread Central’s write-up of a short film that FFE executively produced: Brentwood Strangler
More to come 😉
A year ago, today, my life was turned upside down.
I had just watched my mom get remarried after having been with my dad for 25 years. I was driving over to see my dad around 930pm. His driveway butts up to a busy street on which I had been rear-ended badly not six months earlier, so I drove a half-block past his house to make a left turn onto a side street and then turn around.
I was slowing and downshifting to make the left turn from the center turning lane when I heard loud, screeching tires. I had no idea where they were coming from until I was slammed into head-on.
When I opened my eyes again, I was facing oncoming traffic three lanes over on the other side of the street. My horn was blaring. I had glass and airbag dust in my mouth and nose, and the smell of gunpowder was overwhelming. I had to get out. My driver’s door wouldn’t open and I panicked. I started to roll down the window, ready to crawl out if necessary. Then I took a breath, climbed over my gearshift and got out the passenger side.
I stood by my dear, demolished MINI Cooper and saw a man walking toward me from his vehicle, now stalled in someone’s yard just beyond my car.
He got very close to me and I saw blood running down his face. He asked if I was okay. I said, no. He walked away and got back in his vehicle.
The neighbor whose evening we’d disturbed was now outside; she followed the man back to his car and then came over to see if I was okay.
“Did you smell the alcohol on his breath?” No, I can’t smell anything but gunpowder, still. “I called the ambulance.” Thank you.
She started walking back behind his vehicle and I stopped her. He’s gonna back up! I shouted. Instead, he drove forward through the yard and down the street, away from the accident. Away from me. And this.
It was then that I realized I was dripping blood onto this woman’s driveway. It was coming from my left hand. I was also spitting it out with the powder and glass that refused to get out of my mouth.
A couple passersby had stopped at this point. I had started to walk the two houses to my dad’s house when I decided against it. I asked one of the men who stopped if I could borrow his mobile phone because mine was somewhere in my car.
I called my dad, do you hear the horn? “What?” Can’t you hear the horn blaring outside? I’ve been in an accident!
I was mad. I was frustrated. I was in shock.
People kept trying to get me to sit down. I had specks of sparkling glass coating my arms, my face, my clothes. I had blood droplets on my jeans. My new jeans. Go figure.
The police, fire engine, and ambulance arrived. I asked a fireman to retrieve my phone, another to turn off my damn horn. I remember thinking to myself to be very polite and call them ‘sir,’ the policemen ‘officer.’
In the ambulance, the paramedic was heartbreakingly gentle as he wiped the glass from my arms and feet with a wet paper towel while I called my mom, just a few hours into her honeymoon. She frantically asked if she should come home and I told her no, I was alright; I’d be alright. She really wanted to come home, but I wouldn’t let her.
After the phone call, the paramedic told me that I had a great attitude, considering.
They took me to the hospital where I had x-rays on my hands, chest, torso, knees, and feet. My chest took the blow from the airbag and seatbelt, my left hand had a laceration on the middle finger from the broken windshield and the heel of my right hand had a contusion from the gear shift and imbedded glass; my knees hit the dashboard and my feet had been depressing the clutch and the brake. My right foot was the worst with horrible swelling, contusions, and two fractured toes. I couldn’t walk.
I got stitches on my middle finger, which I quickly called Frankenfinger. I got a prescription for pain meds. Then I quickly got a sense of my physical pain and mental trauma.
Getting into dad’s truck wasn’t very fun, but the drive home might have been worse. I wouldn’t let him turn right on red in an intersection. I wanted him to go about 10mph under the speed limit. I gripped the door handle so tight, my knuckles were white. Suddenly, I was afraid to be in a vehicle.
Then it wasn’t just being in a vehicle that scared me. It was not being able to walk. It was my heart stopping when I heard screeching tires or a horn outside my apartment. It was checking the lock on my door three times before bed, knowing I wouldn’t be able to fight back or defend myself if someone were to break in because I was already hurt. It was needing everyone to text me when they made it somewhere, saying ‘drive safe’ like it was a desperate plea, not just a suggestion. I was sure everyone I knew and loved was going to be in a car accident. It was being so angry. So. angry. Seeing my car at the impound was… an experience. Now it was in broad daylight.
A year later, I still have anxiety: I worry about my boyfriend driving to and from work, I worry about him crossing the street to take the dog out at night. I don’t trust anyone on the road. I never drove on dad’s street again. I still don’t like hearing screeching tires or horns. Every time I come to a light, I have to keep myself from watching the rear-view mirror. I’m constantly ready for evasive maneuvers. I finally had to accept the fact that if I’m meant to die in my car, I’m meant to die in my car. I could have died that night, but I didn’t. I walked away. I lived, and now I’m living. I owe all thanks to God and my MINI, my dear British Chap who sacrificed himself for me.
I’ve got a new MINI now. I call him Richard. I’m living with my wonderful boyfriend, the man I was lucky enough to live to meet. We moved up to Saint Paul and got the cutest puppy in the world, Olive Adventure. I’m still seeing a chiropractor for my neck and back, my fractured toes still give me trouble every now and then when I run or exercise. I can’t do much on my knees. My chest bones pop occasionally. And I’ve still got my Frankenfinger.
As for the driver, well, he got a bit of punishment after sobering up in jail that night.
I wonder if he’ll think about me today around 930pm.
He’ll be thinking about me soon enough when I start recouping damages.
Almost a month ago, I spent my last night in Omaha.
Most of my things were moved already, and all that remained were a few odds and ends, and my furniture.
The morning of the big move, I was seriously anxious. What was going to go wrong? What was going to get broken? What if this happens? What if that happens? I was also very emotional, even though I tried my hardest not to be.
My parents showed up to say goodbye; mom was a bit weepy and, of course, my dad says the things I always need to hear: I am worthy, I deserve everything I want, I can do anything I want to do, and I am loved. So, there went the tears. My brother showed up a bit later and stayed with me until just before I hit the road. He helped calm me down and let me know on his way out how well the moving truck was being packed. Phew.
The drive up here went by quickly and slowly at the same time. I got caught in five o’clock traffic just two miles from my exit and I was absolutely livid. I just wanted to be there!
That evening, and the week after, are a total blur of unpacking, buying shelving units and other fun IKEA things, building said things, hanging photos, organizing the kitchen, organizing the closets, etc. Oh, and sleeping poorly because one huge window in our bedroom was missing blinds. Waking with the sun every morning, regardless of when I went to sleep the night before, was aggravating as hell. And didn’t really restore me for a new day of work.
By the next week, we were already looking at puppies to adopt. I got Andrew caught up in the search and essentially all of our texts consisted of puppy photos all day. We knew we wanted a bigger dog and we wanted to adopt a rescue. In looking at the adoption process, I got discouraged. An application, an interview, references, a meeting, a home visit?! Jesus Christ, are we adopting a child? Applying for a government job? I had no idea it was so thorough and difficult. I understood and completely support the method behind the madness, but for those of us normal, decent human beings who aren’t going to chain the dog up outside 24/7… ugh.
We ended up applying for a dog that we totally fell in love with and then got denied because another couple was ahead of us in the process. Then we applied for a couple more and the same thing happened. At this point, I’m going, Jesus Christ, I’d almost rather pay double to just get one from a pet shop. But instead, we applied for a few more.
Finally (I say, finally; it was probably like, within a couple days), we got invited to go meet one of the puppies. He was adorable and cuddly and I think Andrew was pretty goddamn set on him. We fell asleep that night discussing ridiculous names, such as: Sterling The University of Nebraska Cornhuskers versus The University of Iowa Hawkeyes… [last name].
We communicated to the foster mom and the lady from the shelter that we indeed wanted this little pup… and then we never heard anything from the shelter.
Then, in true things-happen-for-a-reason fashion, the day I was bitching about the lack of communication and consideration, I got a call from another foster mom about another puppy we’d applied for. Apparently the people who wanted her were having trouble coming up with the adoption fee (red flag, much?), so if we want her, she’s ours.
I think this was a Wednesday. We set up a meeting for Friday, we filmed a home video (in lieu of a home visit) Thursday, we drove an hour to meet her Friday, and that night, we brought her home.
She’s a (now) nine-week old Shepherd Mix. We aren’t sure what she’s mixed with, but we’re pretty sure that it’s a wirehair of some kind. She’s a joy and a laugh and a little shit and a snuggler and a whiner and so sociable and sweet. She’s super outgoing; she’ll go up to anyone and any dog. She wants to play with everyone. She doesn’t like being hot and will whine (kinda like me) and she has recently started fording the stream in the park across the street.
Andrew and I are now ‘daddy’ and ‘mommy’ and we’re just totally in love. (Cue: ‘awww’)
We’ve had her a week and a half now and, well, she’s exhausting. ‘Daddy’ is at work five days a week, so ‘mommy’ has to do the most potty breaks and cleaning up accidents and trying to get her to stop biting or chewing on absolutely everything. Not to mention, she’s up with Andrew when he gets up for work (somewhere in the neighborhood of 6am). So yeah, I’m getting a spa afternoon on Thursday lol
Adding to the frustration, I’m getting paranoid about my dwindling savings, so I’ve resumed the job hunt… again. I’m being fairly goddamn picky because I just am, but I want it to be within walking distance (which isn’t a huge ask, seeing as we’re downtown), part-time so I can be home with bb most of the time, and not a receptionist or food service job. Actually, what I’d really like to do is some writing from home. If only I could get myself to finish that ‘novel’ I started.
I’ve also resumed the fitness journey. Buzzfeed posted that circuit workout a couple weeks ago and I’m on the third week today. You’re supposed to up the weight each week; I started with 10lb dumbbells. Because the tiny rec in my building didn’t have 12s, I had to go straight to 15s… And to be consistent, I need to use 20s tonight. I’m a tad nervous I won’t be able to do it all, because I also have to up the reps by two. I don’t know how much physical change I’ll see in two more weeks, and I haven’t weighed myself because fuck the scale, but who knows. I’ll prob just keep going with it and eventually be curling 50s LOL
Anyway, I love Saint Paul. I keep saying it’s like Omaha and London had a baby because it really does feel like home and the city I adore. Our apartment is brilliantly located a block from the train and ten meters from the park, a few blocks from the river and a half-mile from Starbucks (win). There are a bunch of microbreweries and awesome restaurants within walking distance and anything else is on the trainline. I probably came up here with 6100 miles on my car, and I noticed the odometer read 6171 today. So, about seventy miles in almost a month? Not fucking bad.
The only driving I do now is to the chiropractor, which is still only about seven miles away. It’s a different technique than I was getting in Omaha, but apparently, this is the next step in my treatment that makes the most sense. Here’s to hoping I get back to 100% after a couple months of this. I got really emotional when I had my consultation with the new bonebreak. It just dredges up all of the accident memories and memories of all the pain. It’s almost been a year and I’m still dealing with everything. Thank God for Andrew, seriously. What a loving, caring, thoughtful support system I have. I’m embarrassingly lucky to have him. And my family, holy shit.
Tell me, what is my life without your love? Tell me, who am I without you by my side?
When I moved into this apartment, I planned on being here for quite a while. I spent a lot of time applying for over 300 jobs outside of the Midwest and finally accepted the fact that I just wasn’t going anywhere at the moment. Hence, starting Far From Everything Films, LLC with Jennifer, and basing it out of Nebraska.
When I had spent two and half years being single, I planned on being that way for quite a while. I mean, I didn’t have a job-job, I don’t like bar-hopping, I’m anti-social; where the hell was I going to meet somebody? Hence, downloading Tinder.
When I started talking to Andrew, I really just knew that was it.
When he told me he may be transferred to Minnesota, I knew I wanted to go with him.
When he officially got the job and asked me if I wanted to move when my lease was up, I said, ‘yes.’
Today, we officially signed the lease. So, by the end of May, I will have become a Minnesota resident. 🙂
Graham knew when he found the house. He knew. He just knew.
Actually, he’d found some sort of house. Some sort of dwelling.
It was a tiny, brick building built into the hillside. He’d practically run into it after struggling out of the ravine.
It was empty. Of inhabitants, anyway. There was a table and stool, some ratty shirts hanging in the open closet, odds and ends and cobwebs everywhere else. He couldn’t see much through the rain-stained, dusty window.
He tried the door. It wasn’t much of a door. It was thick plywood with a lock. No lintel. And no budging it.
There was a garage door. Strange, he thought. That wouldn’t budge either.
He could break it down; he could break it all down. It was a pile of rubbish.
He looked through the window again. This time, he saw one of the shirts rustling in the closet. There must be a breeze coming through the other side.
Graham squinted as he remembered there was no other side. He worried his bottom lip and pushed back from the window. Narrowly missing the railroad tie behind him, he walked up the grass by the side of the house.
He couldn’t quite tell, but nestled among the trees, there appeared to be a large, dark metal shed.
Another locked door and another locked garage door. No windows to peer through this time.
Beside the shed was a gravel road lined with trees. Perhaps he’d found the driveway.
The gravel road led directly to another shed. White. Wooden. The door wedged closed with a log.
The log was easy enough to twist and roll off of the door. It slipped against the worn timber and clunked to the ground.
Graham instinctually looked around, but knew he wouldn’t have roused anyone in the vicinity. There was no one in the vicinity.
He fed his fingers through the opening of the door and pulled it open. After only a few inches, it got caught up on some rocks, the rocks acting like a foyer runner, hindering the door’s ability.
Kicking the rocks away, he was able to incrementally shove the door further and further open.
He coughed on the God-knows-how-many-year’s-worth-of dust and waved his hand in front of his face.
Until now, he’d made his way by what little sight he had and by feel. Now, inside this shed, he fished his mobile out of his pocket.
Graham flicked on the phone’s flashlight with his thumb. He swept the light back and forth slowly, waiting for a reflection of something, anything.
He raised the phone over his head to see into the rafters. Only planks of wood. A few belts, maybe for an old tractor.
He heard the door scrape across the rocks behind him. Fight or flight kicked in immediately, but as soon as he made to face either certain death or certain arrest, the door had stopped moving and remained propped mostly open.
With his heart rate sped up, he decided the shed wasn’t haunted, nor was it worth a heart attack. He gingerly pressed his fingertips to the door, expecting some sort of resistance. It required little at all, in fact, as he exited the old shed.
He looked down at the rocks and noticed that they seemed less rucked up like a rug and more smoothed away. Well, he did that, right? When he had to get the door open in the first place. Yeah. That’s right.
Graham took a deep breath and looked up at the giant Christmas trees that met him. His mobile flashlight was still in use, so he shined it at the tall pines.
It looked like a balcony had been built out of the top of one of them. Clearly not right.
That’s when there was a glint off of some glass.
Lots of glass.
Holy shit, there’s an actual house on this property.
He walked around to the wooden deck behind the trees. It was attached to a two-story house.
He couldn’t see a door, so he walked to his right, following the edge of the concrete foundation.
In the darkness, he could make out the length of an exterior wall that met another wall perpendicularly.
A few steps further revealed another jut of a wing and another deck. The house seemed to wrap around him as he got closer.
Graham turned off his flashlight and followed the line of the house, nearly running straight into an air conditioning unit and then even more nearly off of a retaining wall.
Below the retaining wall was a landing and a door. It was a double-wide door with no window.
This couldn’t be a house. Maybe a business. But the sheds… no, this had to be a house.
Past the door, he came up against the other wing of the house and felt his way along until he reached a corner.
He was under the other deck now, and on yet another landing, there was yet another door. This door was mostly glass, but had the blinds drawn tight.
He dumbly tried the handle. Locked, of course.
To his right, he followed the concrete landing with his eyes and made out the ridge of a step. He peered around the corner to find a winding trail of concrete stairs and an overgrown sidewalk.
He got out his flashlight again and trained it on his path.
It was a low-grade staircase, but fighting the long-dead hostas was treacherous, even with light.
About halfway up, the concrete disappeared altogether. It was completely littered with fallen branches and twigs.
Graham crouched to hold his phone closer to the ground. He walked with flat feet over the limbs, correcting here and there to maintain balance.
Finally out of the thicket, he began to straighten back up. He stretched his back and rolled his shoulders. How long had he been hunched over?
He twisted round and shone the flashlight down the path, seeing only a few steps and then the corner of the house.
It couldn’t be. It looked only about ten meters away.
“Bullshit,” he said aloud to no one, and looked down at the ground in preparation to head back. He had to check again, this time without being so careful.
He was about to take his first step toward verification when he felt a whoosh in front of his face.
He jumped back just as the branch hit the ground loudly.
He looked up, like there was someone up there to yell at about it.
Not wanting to test his luck, he turned around and continued up the path.
Rounding the corner, he ducked beneath the low branches of rotten fruit tree.
River rocks skittered across the sidewalk as he stepped free. He moved his phone to light his surroundings. He seemed to be standing in a yard now. A front yard. Yes, there was an actual driveway past a tree.
This was definitely a house.
Graham followed the rest of the sidewalk that ran in front of it.
It passed a bank of two windows jutting from the siding. Must be a windowseat.
The sidewalk curved around some overgrown landscaping and ended with two names written by finger in the wet cement, long-since dried.
Just past the names was a step to a porch.
Shining his light up at the front door, he noticed an official-looking piece of paper affixed behind the glass.
He stepped up onto the porch and reached for the door handle. Locked, naturally.
He held the light up above the paper and read: VACANT. PRIVATE PROPERTY. NO TRESPASSING. LAST INSPECTION: 05/2012.
There was a list of previous inspection dates, like the ones you find in restaurant bathrooms.
It either hadn’t been inspected in over two years, or the inspectors have neglected to mark the sheet.
He expected the former.
Graham looked behind him at the driveway. It was a long driveway. Leading up to a bend in the road: a road that looked as abandoned as the house.
He walked the length of the porch and came to another bank of windows. Another windowseat.
He cupped his hands around his eyes and leant up to the glass.
There was hardly any visibility, of course. And nothing to see, anyway. Some bits of packing materials strewn about on the dark carpet, light tile in the entryway, French doors leading to another room.
He straightened up. There was a step down to the garage door.
He saw a keypad on the door frame. He punched a few buttons and hit the pound key. It beeped at him, but nothing else happened. He knew nothing would.
He turned around and looked at the flat expanse of the driveway before him. An almost-burnt-out streetlight hummed near the end. A lot of help that was providing.
He looked to his left and saw what looked like yet another sidewalk leading around the house.
Graham kept his flashlight in front of him as he went around the corner. He swept the light around and found, “Jesus Christ,” another shed.
He kept walking, ignoring the millionth shed, until he had to round another corner to, “fucking hell,” another deck.
Shaking his head, he took the first step up. The unused wood groaned under his foot.
He paused, one foot on the step and the other just with the toe of his shoe grazing the ground. Slowly, he straightened his leg and brought his other foot to the next step.
Testing it with two heavy presses, he determined that it was sound and hopped quickly up the next two to the top.
He let out a sigh of relief and found a sliding glass door ahead of him. He checked it.
He tried to get a good look through it, but there were thick blinds blocking his view.
He stepped back and walked to the end of the deck. There was a built-in bench that went all the way around. He knelt on it and looked out into the darkness.
He could see the large, metal shed he passed earlier. He thought about it; it seemed like ages ago.
He stood up and sighed. Maybe there’s something interesting in the new shed.
As he turned around, he moved his light to relocate the stairs. As the light passed the glass door, he spotted movement: the blinds were swaying gently.
Graham stared at the blinds moving on their own. Or what must be on their own, because, well, the house is vacant. Or should be.
He stayed frozen there on the deck, light fixed on the blinds, wondering again if he was facing certain death or certain arrest. Or certain insanity.
Finally, he decided that he should probably run. Just in case.
He kept his eyes on the blinds until he shifted the flashlight back toward the stairs for a quick getaway.
This is when he found yet. another. door.
He gaped at it. Just how many goddamn doors and decks and sheds does this property have.
He told himself that everything is locked. It doesn’t matter. He just needs to go. He’s been lucky so far and his luck won’t last forever. He should go.
After he tries this last door.
Graham decided not to take a last glance over at the blinds and just head straight for the door.
Which opened for him.
He stumbled into a pressing darkness. He saw the tiniest sliver of light ahead of him. He was in the garage.
He searched with his phone and found nothing but empty shelves.
And, expectedly, another door.
This one had to be open. Suddenly, his faith was in success and not failure.
He reached out and grasped the handle. He shone his light at the door and a compact, white box caught his eye.
It was a burglar alarm.
There was a little, green light that said, READY.
He lit the box directly and saw that there was a light over the word ARMED that was not glowing.
He worried his top lip, for variety’s sake. If the alarm is hooked up, he can just run right back out the door and back into the woods.
If it’s not, well.
Graham took a deep breath and twisted the doorknob.
It went willingly with his hand.
He hesitated before pushing it open.
Moment of truth.
He let out the held breath and took in another.
He gathered potential energy in his arm and mentally counted to three.
On three, he shoved the door open and jumped back off the step.
There was a momentary panic as he heard a loud, rapid beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
And then it was silent.
Five beeps. That couldn’t have been the alarm.
He waited a full minute, straining his ears to hear God-knows-what.
And heard nothing.
He realized he’d been breathing incredibly shallowly and took a few relieving gulps of air.
He rolled his eyes at himself and stepped back to the door to the house.
He crossed the threshold and then froze.
It was pitch black.
My lovely friend, Chelsy, started this honest, revelatory blog called Newly Wed and Over Fed. Take a look at her second entry: Step two: Hope.
Last night, I dreamt that it was the day of my best friend’s wedding and my other best friend, a fellow bridesmaid, reminded me that we’d not yet bought our dresses. For the wedding. That day. She goes, “Let’s just run to Target really quick.”
On our way through the parking garage (wherever we were), I stopped at my car to get something, and these five or six young guys started toward me. I thought about trying to hide behind the car, but figured they’d find me anyway, so I just sort of faced them. Two of them had ballpoint pens aimed at me like weapons and the others were unarmed, but still circling around me and being threatening.
I decided I needed to come out swinging, literally, and brought my arm back to land a punch on one of the punks.
As per usual, as per every single dream where I’ve tried to fight someone, my fist took about thirty seconds to reach the kid’s face. I don’t know what that is in miles-per-hour or force or whatever, but it’s pretty goddamn slow and pretty goddamn weak. Ineffective, to say the least.
It didn’t matter whether I threw a punch with my left or right, neither of them would do any good. Or any harm, I should say.
Kicks were the same way.
I even got the pens away from the losers at one point and were attempting to stab them. Nothing. Probably didn’t even leave an ink mark on their shirts.
Not only is this frightening, but it’s stressful. And it arouses many questions. Why can’t I defend myself? If I don’t defend myself, I’m going to get hurt. I don’t want to get hurt. Why am I so weak?
Every. single. dream. involving a fight.
And usually, I have these dreams when I’m anxious about something. So the fact that I can’t defend myself or I’m too weak to inflict any harm on someone who is trying to harm me doesn’t really help with my anxiety or stress.
I’m sure I could make some claim about how I’m feeling helpless IRL so it’s translating into the dream. It’s just cyclical. Like, it’s bothered me all goddamn day.
I’m feeling anxious and stressed out and helpless and fearful because of the drunk’s upcoming hearing on Thursday. I won’t even be doing anything; I don’t even have to go, technically. I just want to go so that I can hear him plead and hear his fate. I don’t even think he’ll receive sentencing; who knows. I just can’t not go. I can’t sit at home and wait to hear what’s next. That’s all I’ve fucking been able to do since this accident. Sit at home, receive bills, send emails, see doctors, make phone calls to hospitals/insurance/bill collectors. It’s been truly maddening.
I just want it all to be over. I want my medical bills paid, I want to be healed and healthy again, I want to wake up and not wonder who or what related to the case I’ll have to deal with that day.
I know complaining makes little-to-no sense. If I had chosen this, I wouldn’t be able to complain; this is just something that happened, so I shouldn’t complain. The thing is, though, that it’s something that shouldn’t have happened. Something that didn’t need to happen.
This has been the longest slow-motion punch and I desperately need it to make contact and inflict damage. For once.