Tag Archives: relationships

It literally took 30 years, but I’m finally engaged

March 6, 2019 By in Personal Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

It’s true.

 

Andrew proposed to me at the James J Hill Library in downtown Saint Paul on June 19th, 2018. I’ll always remember that date, because I’ll always remember that I had my first real date with a man (after a long-term relationship with a not-so-great breakup) way back in 2010 on June 19th. It must mean something. Maybe I’ll have a kid born on that day in a few years.

He had conspired with a couple ladies at the library (and my friend, Amanda) to make sure that it was documented and memorable experience: He said that we should go out to dinner and go to the mental health exhibit at the MN Science Museum, and I had mentioned to my brother that ‘he better be proposing’ because he had been bugging the shit out of me to make sure I had that day off work. Then as we got downtown, he said that we should just check out the library because we were right there. I had shown him photos of the library months before saying that it reminded me of Beauty and the Beast.

We went into the library and were told that the stairs were blocked, so we’d have to take the elevator up to the second level, which we did, and starting walking around looking at all of the insane books/collections. When we got to the far end of the room and turned to look out at everything, he started saying that he wanted to start a new chapter with me as he got down on one knee. I instantly started crying and said yes – or I nodded yes? I was in shock! After we stood there hugging, crying, looking at the ring for a few minutes, Andrew told me to look across the library at a reading area where a woman was sitting – that woman was my friend Amanda, and then he pointed out a guy with a camera – that guy was Amanda’s boyfriend, who was taking photos of us the whole time.

I told you – well-documented and memorable.

Oh, and the ring he gave me was one that I’d shown him on etsy at some point. This guy pays attention to me.

Ten days later, we had set a date. By July 7th, I had ordered a dress. We had booked a reception/dinner location by mid-August, and I’d had a photographer in mind for like, years.

We ended up deciding on doing a family-only ceremony somewhere and then a dinner/non-traditional reception with everyone afterward. We’re getting married on Friday the 13th of this year – 91319, a palindrome (’cause we nerdy like that), just a couple blocks from where we lived when we first moved up here, and, oh, there’s a full moon that night. And the dinner location references a black dog.. huh.

tenor

It’s definitely a blessing and a curse to have the date set so far away from the engagement – we’ve gotten so much done so early and haven’t had to feel rushed with anything. We got the hotel blocks booked, the photographer booked, I knew who would do my hair, I’ve found someone who will do my makeup; my dress took about seven months to come in, so I’m glad I had the time to wait for that.. but then at the same time, I’m impatient as all hell. And there are some things that just have to wait – flowers, hair/makeup trials, sending invitations, booking a honeymoon, figuring out transportation, etc. Which can also be a bit frustrating or just nerve-wracking when I want to get things done NOW.

Maybe writing about it will help – I think I’m going to try to do updates as time goes on, as things get accomplished, as nerves start to fray haha but honestly, I don’t think I’ll get too stressed.

I say that now.

Idealists as Partners: The Ideal Partner?

December 14, 2013 By in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

So now I’ve read my career profile (strangely enough, being a teacher ranked most highly on the list, along with psychological/counseling jobs. Now I’m onto the relationship profile. Naturally.

“For [idealists], love may not be everything (after all there is also the issue of improving the world and reaching perfection in one’s own life), but without love nothing else means anything. Consequently, Idealists have difficulty being single for a long time; they feel that they are somehow incomplete, and that important parts of them lie idle and unused.”

Thank you!

“They are masters at romantic staging, are very emotional, and not adverse to pulling out all the stops to seduce the person they want – music, candles, poetry, flowers, little surprises – for this incomparable person who entered their lives, nothing is good enough.”

I always said I’d be a kick ass boyfriend.

“[The idealist gives so wholeheartedly to a relationship that it could be risky.] … should she end up with a partner who is stingy with his emotions, she is very quickly frustrated and hurt. For her it is a mystery that she gets so little in return. Intimacy and affection are simply her lifeblood, and she needs that as much as the air to breathe.”

Incredibly accurate. It always feels like I give 100% and get 50% in return, when that might not necessarily be the case. Another quote comes to mind, “Just because someone doesn’t love you the same way you love them doesn’t mean they love you any less.” Must remember that. Because then this happens:

“If she is given not enough as far as she is concerned, she becomes restless and dissatisfied. And contrary to her usual behavior toward her partner, she can all of a sudden become cold and hostile, and lapse into a continuously reproachful attitude (unfortunately often without an explanation about what troubles her because she feels that her partner should be aware of that himself!). Then she tends to retreat with a pout and plays the misunderstood, instead of speaking a few explanatory words.”

Definitely guilty of that once or twice (or more).

The profile digresses into more of the weaknesses of an idealist in a relationship – being quick to dramatic actions (unfortunately likened to Romeo killing himself before waiting a bit longer for Juliet to wake up) – and also not being able to have a constructive/tearless conversation to resolve a problem. I’d have to say that both are quite true. But there’s a “but.” But, because I have recognized this in myself years ago (thanks, introspection!), I have been able to rise above any impulse of it and handle things more levelly. 

I realized that even if it’s a tough conversation and one I’d rather not have, it’s necessary and it nurtures a deeper connection. Usually. 

On to Love:

“You incredulously notice affairs of others and can’t imagine how anyone can play that furiously with their own and the feelings of others. You are a very consistent and faithful person and you are looking for a partner like that – sometimes it takes a very long time.”

I’ve resigned to that fact – like I’ve recently written about; if it takes a hell of a long time to find what I want/need, then it takes a hell of a long time. I don’t tread lightly in relationships (as this profile points out).

“There is no question that your personality is one of the most complex and complicated types around.”

Ha! Complicated? Me? (I typed ‘difficult’ at first and then realized that word isn’t even in the line. Freudian slip?)

“Since a relationship is that important to you, one of your most important goals in life is to keep the given promise. Your obligation is sacred and you expect your partner to feel the same way. Because it was difficult for you to trust, you have a real problem forgiving a betrayal of confidence like an affair as well as other behaviors that you see as treachery. All your aspirations are focused to form emotional oneness with your partner and to merge with him/her as much as is humanly possible. If your partner feels as you do and opens him/herself up to you, it can form the basis for a close and exclusive relationship. You run the risk of disappointment and hurt though, if you give your love to someone who wants no part of this intimacy. For you, it is either all or nothing. Your expectations of yourself, your relationship, and your partner are extremely high and very few are able to meet them. However, you would rather wait half an eternity for the right person than make compromises.“

Well, I believe I just said that. The line about if the partner wants no part of the intimacy – I’ve been there. My ex thoughtfully and responsibly ended our relationship because he knew he couldn’t give me what I needed. Interestingly, even though it made complete logical sense, I still campaigned to delay the decision even if it ended the same way down the road. Shortly thereafter, I realized how right his decision was.

“[Writing] is the best way for you to express your deepest feelings because, as an introverted type, you are not good at holding long speeches. … However, if there were a prize for the personality type who is the best listener, you would surely get it. Your patience, readiness for devotion, and your fine ear for nuances are absolutely unsurpassable. At the same time, you are a very supportive and helpful person. You have the gift of sensing and supporting your partner’s potential of which he is still totally unaware. You have no need to be competitive. Your partner’s success makes you as happy as your own success does.”

A bit of ego stroking there. Funny though, because I’ve never been entirely career-oriented, but just recently I’ve decided that I could see being a stay-at-home mom. I’m not that competitive in a career, which could lead to stagnancy or the appearance of indifference. It’s just that it isn’t everything to me. Now, would I love to be some famous film/television producer or writer, or even actress? Totally. Would I do everything to get there? Eh. Probably not. I’d be fine flying under the radar or being the supporting role. 

“Your moral standards and ethical awareness are extremely pronounced, and the only time you discard your natural reserve and gentle ways is when you see them attacked or violated. Then you can obstinately fight for justice.”

Go to the mattresses.

“Your rich imagination, your warm and loving nature, and your need to do well by your partner when at all possible, makes you into an especially good and sensitive lover. With you, sexuality comes from deep feelings; in order to get into the mood you need lots of romanticism, tender gestures and touching. Just a quickie without an emotional build up is not for you. However, if everything fits, you can light fireworks that no one would have expected from an introvert like you … “

Speaking of a quickie without an emotional build-up, that’s the only paragraph to do with sexuality. I didn’t even add the ellipses! Nevertheless: accurate.

Please excuse the long paragraph in advance:

“You are one of the introverted personality types. To others, you appear to be quiet and reserved, and only very few people are able to understand you and know how you feel. Many think you are shy which is not necessarily true. You just don’t think that you have to continuously relate what you are thinking. When you say something, it is well considered. Compared to extroverted types, you need considerably less contact with other people and for long periods of time do just fine by yourself. You much prefer a small-handpicked circle of friends to a large one. You get extremely stressed if you don’t have the opportunity to periodically withdraw into yourself and your thoughts, because you are best at recharging your batteries when you can pursue your activities alone. Cosy togetherness with your partner is more important to you than continuous contact with other people. If you are together with an equally introverted partner, you are going to feel alike and are rarely found at large parties among a bunch of strangers. Because he understands this need for quiet and withdrawal, an introverted partner is also going to be more likely to understand your need to be occasionally alone, and not see it as a personal affront because he feels the same way. … ” 

I’d stupidly never thought to look for someone as introverted as I am. There’s all that bullshit about ‘opposites attract’. Someone a tad more extroverted than I am would be good for me, but obviously someone who understands me and my loner ways. Then again, in my friendships and relationships, spending quality alone time with one person has the same recharging essence as being on my own. 

“You are particularly fond of endless discussions dealing with abstract theories.”

Just look through my text messages or twitter history.

“In matters of love, your imagination is nearly limitless.”

Not to mention, overactive.

 

Clearly.

Harmony-seeking Idealist and Harmony-seeking Idealist

“With you, it is probably love at first sight. You are as alike as individuals can be and understand each other blindly without a lot of words. The absence of disagreements is the reason for your common value and ideals. Both of you are very creative, imaginative, and never at a loss for ideas for how things can be improved. You enjoy sharing your visions and dreams, carry on long and intimate conversations about everything that moves, and interests you. Harmony is the most important component of your relationship, and therefore there is rarely a loud or angry word between you. That is something that simply does not suit friendly and careful people like you. You take care of each other lovingly, attentively, and are ready to read his/her wishes in his/her eyes. You are most comfortable with a few good friends in your cozy, beautifully appointed and cultured home, but the other is the only person really important for your happiness. True – in this world, the ideal relationship does not really exist, but the both of you are getting damned close … “

 

 (Source: iPersonic)

 

 

 

Not One for Dissonance

December 14, 2013 By in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

One of my friends posted her results of this personality test, so I thought I’d give it a go.

You choose between two blocks of several statements – whichever ones represent you the best. You do this about four times and then you get quite detailed results.

Mine are 100 percent, entirely accurate:

“Harmony-seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character.

But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism. Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy.

Harmony-seeking Idealists have a lively fantasy, often an almost clairvoyant intuition and are often very creative. Once they have tackled a project, they do everything in their power to achieve their goals. In everyday life, they often prove to be excellent problem solvers. They like to get to the root of things and have a natural curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. At the same time, they are practically oriented, well organised and in a position to tackle complex situations in a structured and carefully considered manner. When they concentrate on something, they do so one hundred percent – they often become so immersed in a task that they forget everything else around them. That is the secret of their often very large professional success.

As partners, harmony-seeking idealists are loyal and reliable; a permanent relationship is very important to them. They seldom fall in love head over heels nor do they like quick affairs. They sometimes find it very difficult to clearly show their affection although their feelings are deep and sincere. In as far as their circle of friends is concerned, their motto is: less is more! As far as new contacts are concerned, they are approachable to only a limited extent; they prefer to put their energy into just a few, close friendships. Their demands on friends and partners are very high. As they do not like conflicts, they hesitate for some time before raising unsatisfactory issues and, when they do, they make every effort not to hurt anyone as a result.

Adjectives that describe your type
introverted, theoretical, emotional, planning, idealistic, harmony-seeking, understanding, peace-loving, sensitive, quiet, sympathetic, conscientious, dogged, complicated, inconspicuous, warm-hearted, complex, imaginative, inspiring, helpful, demanding, communicative, reserved, vulnerable”

It also gives the analysis from a career standpoint:

As a Harmony-seeking Idealist you are one of the introverted personality types. Therefore you prefer a quiet work environment where you can intensively deal with your responsibilities and are not disturbed by too many people and repeated distractions. You need a lot of time to dwell on your thoughts, to put them into words and let your ideas take shape.

You are grateful for a certain measure of order and structure in order to achieve this, and being able to deal with one project after the other, thus not having a number of responsibilities at one time. You don’t like being overloaded because it is important to you to deal with things thoroughly. Your capability to concentrate is unusually great and very often you become engrossed in something and forget everything around you.

You are one of the feeler types. This fact is partially the reason that you have a very strong insight into human nature and enjoy dealing with people. You are interested in the people around you and have a real sense for their motivations, needs and abilities. Your talent to see the best in everybody and your keen wish to understand others and somehow contribute to their well-being predestine you to work with people.

Due to your propensity to be introverted you are not into holding major speeches for large audiences. Your real strength lies in working individually with people like therapists, physicians or priests. In those professions, when advancing others in their personal development or to help them in any other way is the issue, you are unbeatable.

You are extremely sensitive, and your social competences are developed above average. As a result you have no problems working with people or being a team member. Still, you should watch out to primarily surround yourself with persons who are similarly profound and eclectic. During the working day you abhor thoughtless, superficial, and insensitive colleagues.”

I have to laugh at that last line! The personality test is through iPersonic. I’m going to take the career test and see what they further say about me.

To be honest, it was just confirming things I already know about myself; however, from my perspective, it’s information I’d love to know about my friends and the people I interact with so that I could better that interaction. I think my personality test results essentially say that I would be like that!